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Look out, it’s Dr. Why…So, Sod the Daleks, Bollocks to the cybermen and two fingers to the zygeramms from Zorge, there is a global menace afoot, right hear on planet Earth. But have no fear my little squiggly humans: For Dr Why… is here to save one and all.
But why Dr. Why….and why bovver… You may well ask, but it keeps it in tune with the general silliness of this monthly trash and avoids any nasty copyright shit that might rear its ugly head. So alongside with his trusty sidekick (a very Horney yet a bit odd looking in a weird mouth kinda way)…….. Jade Tyler. It's off to…
Magic shoebox and another dimension. ‘So jade' muttered Dr.? 'If you could just remove that large kebab, with extra chilli sauce, onions and garlic from your gob for just one second, as we are entering terpsichorean cybermagnectic, sub- neon-space antigravity stratospheric time module 4… he pointed to a large detailed map of many colours and fragmented lines on the wall…
'But that’s the faaken London tube map in' it', she belched right in his ear, causing him to vomit instantly and keel over. '‘I recognise that word Baaaaatersy, near the dogs home in’ it. Could we pop in an see me muvver for a cuppa T? (See November 2005 rant)
She belched again, only this time with less velocity, and without the specks of kebab meat and garlic spinning off into his face and eyes, much to the relief of his weak stomach and jaded nerves. Dabbing the corners of his mouth with a large towel, kept near by in the magic shoebox because it seemed every time she opened her mouth an evil rotting smell gripped his nostrils, the Dr clicked and clunked a few red buttons and the magic doors flew open… ‘’Here we are, London 2006….I think'… ‘Faaaaaken blinden’ she shrieked, and lifting one leg she farted: A long bubbly oily sound echoed around the shoebox and a white translucent mist hovered about neck height. She didn’t notice the Dr Passing out again, hitting the floor, and almost drowning in his own puke as she ran giggling into the familiar streets.
For about the 190th time in their recent travels the Dr picked himself up from the floor, dabbed his chin, shivered and stepped into the cool fresh London air. However, largely due to the fact that the shoebox’s navigational systems were about as much use as Keira Knightly dishing out soapy tit wanks down by the river for £30.00 a bash, all was not as it seemed.
They had landed at Aldershot Army barracks in Surrey where the Major greeted them warmly… in a dress. 'Eerrrm, greetings Major, nice dress, things have changed a bit around here I see'. ‘Well it’s the BBC you see, and were all politically correct these days, the old army uniform was considered far to masculine and bloke like, and the decimation of the male species is in full flow. In my day, if blokes pranced about in pink shirts, with gelled up poncy hair, it was a sure sign they were screeching bottie bandits……just then the 7th Para’s marched by… In pink tutus and suspenders. ‘That’s it lads, chins up, backs straight’ he barked.
Most of the Para's felt an overwhelming urge to kick seven bells of shit out of the puffed up Major, but were concerned about getting blood and dirt on their new stockings. 'Anyway Dr, we are in crisis at the moment, it seems the world is in danger of total collapse from several threats, from inside our own ionosphere’ he looked up at the sky and adjusted his bra. 'Shall we go to the briefing HQ, and I’ll show you the BBC website.' The Dr and Jade followed, not too closely as the Major entered an army hut with pink roses and bouquets of lavender and apple mint cascading around the doors.
Global threat 1…The Orange girls. ‘These reptilian/mutant like females, who appear to have bright orange skin, applied like a coat of paint every few days are becoming a major threat to the male population. They are often found in grotty nightclubs and bars dancing about on tables, reducing the weak male of the species to gibbering wrecks in minutes. And with the promise of wild and rampant kinky sex are lured to their doom after spending their entire month’s wages on cheap champagne and sickly blue drinks. A mating ritual only sometimes occurs because these orange cyber freaks are always rubbish at sex, and rush the dazed and totally loved up males into a life of misery. Then they take the house, the car the cat etc etc leaving the male of the species alone and penniless.
‘There are now thousands of males, all over the world wandering the streets hungry and broken, and our surveillance teams around the globe are monitoring a shocking rise in small dodgy shops springing up in shopping malls and high streets, filled with sinister and frightening looking equipment.
Jade Tyler lifted her crop top, and reviled a monstrous huge white belly, dripping with kebab lard and straggly bits of lettuce, ‘Ha, you won’t ever find me in a gaff like that; my 14 year old luvver just loves me natural curves…’
The Dr resisted the urge to call the child protection line and concentrated on the threat to mankind. ‘They must have a weakness, some kind of centralized communication mechanism; we need to infiltrate the inner circle and penetrate their sub-consciousness'… Jade looked totally confused, ‘Is that like near eastangular or sumink…' 'Yes dear, quite near’. ‘Fort so'... ‘Does this mean attending one of these dingy nightclubs, dressed in tight clothing and wearing heels?' spoke the major, almost deliriously foaming at the mouth and gently fondling the 'Little Britten' DVD in his handbag. 'It’s a good plan, maybe we could also send in the 7th Para’s, obviously incognito'. ‘No……jaa weirdo…' The Dr and Jade said together. The major looked very disappointed. Suddenly the Dr whipped it out, wiped it on his leg and thrust it in the air…
'But with this little beauty, we can save the world' The sonic screwdriver sparkled like a rare gem. And he pointed it at the computer, where the screen saver was a bevy of bright orange bikini clad beauties. ‘Now we should be able to detect the intellectual capacity of these wicked creatures, and by studying the results determine the path of action’ he nodded smugly. After about 4 hours Jade had fallen asleep and was snoring like a blocked toilet and the Dr was scratching his head. ‘They don’t appear to have an intellectual anything, just smashing tits and well ripe arses, and that one in white, I could spend hours pushing her around the carpet’. The Dr Then shook his head and rubbed his weary brow. 'It appears the situation is futile, for thousands of years this process has evaded any form of explanation, there is only one true and humane way to deal with such a complex dilemma'
The Major and Jade waited with lips trembling, sweat beads forming on their foreheads and hands shaking. 'What’s that?' the both spoke nervously…. 'Well it’s a tried and tested method, mainly formulated in the western world, an ancient and humble antidote'. 'What…..what…….' 'It's called……. Well F**K that, I’m going down the bloody pub'
Next month, more silliness, crudity and tits 'n' arses….. And Catholic Girls… Lovely jubbley… Cya Mr. B……. |
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