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Mr B gets his nuptials in a knotShocking news for his army of female fans….Mr Bonx is set to marry in a few months.His blushing bride, Mary Smith: or her full title Rosemarinus officinalis blue spire tender perennial the 3rd has been on the scene for over a year now. One young fan, Samamfa Bucketfanny, from the nearby stone quarry estate said “like, all the girls loved him like sort o fing no wot I mean, no but yeah but, an now he’s shaggen some old bush..the bastad”.
The bride wore green and white and was given away by a B+Q store in central East Grinstead for £3.99p. “A bloody bargain” Mr B added running his grubby hand up her smooth tendrils, releasing a waft of her delicious perfume. “I first saw her in the spring; she looked quite peaky, but by the summer had flourished into a beautiful specimen and by the autumn, after lots of loving care and attention had manifested into the vision of loveliness you see today”. At the stag night, arranged at the guest suite upstairs at the Dorset Arms public house Mr B met up with some of her relatives and friends, to toast the new union. Cannabis Sativaindicia (spliff) was there in abundance, as was Nicotiana Obtusifolia tobacas (cigarettes) all washed down with a distant relative Thymus Vulgaris Alcohoious (booze). The evening was not complete with out the addition of some slutty little stripers, Tinkerbelle, Bluebell, Daisy, Lilly and Fusia, who entertained the crowds with such hilarious games as “ guess the weight of my melons, How big is your turnip, spin the banana and of course licking ice cream off my plums”, A family favourite. The Managers of the Dorset Arms are still puzzled to why they found Mr B in the morning upside down in a hedge, with his trousers around his ankles….. Looking like death warmed up. Jayson and Wendy Hodge told reporters “the evening was great fun; it sounded like a wild night and the guests were certainly from a diverse cultural and horticultural background”. The happy couple intend to spend their entire honeymoon in a warm greenhouse nearby, and are excited about starting a whole family of saplings. Mr B told the local papers “I think this marriage will work due to the space and respect we give each other. So many go down the pan… it’s a lack of communication on both sides, although my mates think I’m crazy. But most I speak to say their wives are just like a hurricane full of lust, wild and unstoppable….. Then she takes the money, the house, the car, the cat and the kids. And leaves you with nothing. At least Rosemary has her roots firmly in the ground. Taking inspiration from a new novel to be published next year by Sir Russell Long, entitled “101 reasons why the girlfriend from heaven turns into the psycho bitch wife from hell overnight, volume 1” (available from Kramer v Kramer publications ltd) the newly weds are looking forward to a long and successful marriage: Even if it does go wrong, at least we can plant the kids in a nice garden somewhere, then they can grow up in a stable environment with out the parents constant bickering. “And anyway if it does go tits up, I’ve got a mate with a fucking big chainsaw that will sort the bitch out, either that or a quick spray with some highly toxic nerve agent designed to wipe out whole rain forests in Mexico, will remove the smile off her face and probably half of Sussex. The wedding of the year was conducted by the catholic priest the right reverend Thomas De Kiddiefiddler at the quaint old church in upper choirboy lane, near Hartfeild. He said “I have conducted some strange ceremonies in my time, mainly at night and in the graveyard but I think this one take’s the biscuit, I heard that his brother is engaged to a car called Toyota”.
I think I have found my soul mate here with Rosemary, she likes cooking, being in the garden and has a great sense of humour: something it seems that is quite rare in today’s women. Coming up next month: Plans begin about recording the song “Some People”: the 666 mix, with super cool Geezer Giles Twigg. It’s a gonna be fun, I can feel it in me lager.. |
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• Home Return back to the homepage • Ghost Story Mr Bonx, Author, previews his chilling story - The Dorset Arms • Music Reviews/Links Read some of Mr Bonx’s insights into music and culture • Pix Set of photos about the life and times of Mr Bonx • Contact Get in touch and leave me a message. • About Mr Bonx Find out about Mr Bonx. Rants Archive December 2005 |
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