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This article was published in 2005, from a short story by Sir Russell Long. But I just couldn't resist up dating it… Exclusive photos by Tim Addie.
The East Grinstead Sanitarium.Symptoms of inbreeding, radiation exposure and criminal psychosis a speciality: pending financial status.
It has been brought to our attention and claims have been made in a recent adult publication, (possibly What Bollock! Monthly) that a client of ours, referred to throughout as Mr B, recently received treatment at our humble establishment. We therefore feel it necessary to issue the following statement to clarify the situation and/or to save our own genitalia being savaged by vicious dog called peter.
The East Grinstead Sanitarium freely admits that a certain ‘Mr B’ sought a consultation with our resident specialist after an accident occurred with a recently purchased Home Testicular implant kit. May I make it clear at this point we do NOT advise the use of such equipment, and certainly not versions brought on E- bay from Sellers in Thailand and priced at £ 3.99p.
Due to our clients limited brain capacity and base IQ, he was under the illusion that having enormous, heaving, gigantic plastic bollocks would somehow increase his libido, fame and money making skills.
Surgery was completed at lightning speed, or before the pub calls last orders and our team are delighted, nay, ecstatic that Mr B now spouts some of the biggest bollocks in the country.
May I take this opportunity to remind our customers that the Sanitarium has an unblemished record of successes: indeed our premises, constructed on the site of an old asbestos lined plague pit are filled with various pieces of past operations.
Singer Cher’s x-body parts fill large glass jars by the dozen, and in special Perspex cabinets layers and 'off cuts' of Jodie Marsh, Anne Robinson and Sharon Osborne are displayed not unlike a Safeway butchers counter, all kept just above freezing point.
We did have some problems in the past with ethics, but due to Mr Blair's revolutionary 'slip me a fiver and we’ll leave the back door open policy' we are able to thrive on the disfigurements of the less Fortunate looking and our new premises in Croydon, South London has already received mass bookings.
Due to the unsavoury nature of Mr B's ball bag corrections, photographic evidence of the procedure is limited to 'Hello, Heat, woman’s realm, The Radio Times ( with a special centre page spread with David Attenborough ) What Bollock! And the Times Educational supplement for the usual exorbitant fee: pending a speedy scar tissue recovery.
Actually indulge in some 'work' of some kind or another.
It is recommended by the Sanitarium’s directors that any form of intercourse other than verbal is undertaken for at least 3 months. From other case studies unfortunate accidents can occur such as the balls exploding mid-copulation, (messy) Friction burns to certain areas around the upper bell end, (nasty) The collapse of furniture which appears to be robust but in fact shatters under the enormous weight of the engorged Testicals, causing large shards of razor sharp splinters to tear into soft flesh (messy and nasty)
Bearing in mind of course that the client can seduce a suitable female without waving Daddies credit card around the pub, jingling Mummies BMW car keys constantly or pretending to be rich and successful without actually doing a days work in their pampered lives. And of course vigorous and frenzied masturbation is also prohibited, unless the client is wearing boxing gloves lightly greased with Organic honey.
However: Very rich Glamour model 'Jordan' has offered, for fees of £ 80.000 to prance around the bedroom dressed in a skimpy little black number. An offer I’m sure our client will find hard to refuse.
We look forward to being of service in the near future, and wish all our customers and Mr B's new friends on ‘Myspace’ a merry Christmas and a happy new year: feel free to contact the surgery at any time, except between the hours of 10.00-12.00pm when were down the pub getting pissed up… Previous to concluding essential and experimental research into the healing and medicinal properties of Marijuana
After... Brace yourselves girls… Yours truly… Klaus Von Judentodt. Director of public relations. |
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