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Ok.. Mum….. No Swearing……..Honest!!!.Got an e-mail from the jolly old BBC recently, seems they like my ghost story enough to put me live on the airwaves, very dangerous. Just to talk about the Dorset Arms story.
So I made me way to the radio station full of cheer and with a ragged determination not to reply when asked a question, “naa, that’s just a load of £$%^&* mate, ya talking out ya %”$*. Luckily I did manage to avoid any swear words… and didn’t drink the small bottle of blue food colouring, which I’ve been told is a standard practice in the gritty world of rock and roll:….. to leave a bright blue turd in the bog, just for a laugh. Green and yellow are also cool…Red.. naa. It’s a bit like the meeting the bird’s parents for the first dinner date, and leaving a turquoise terror in the pan of their lovely 70’s looking bathroom, then informing mummy that there is something wrong with the toilet seat…..and wait for the screaming to begin, as I push a rather limp lump of asparagus causally around the plate. (im actually a nice person really, I think its Mr. Monty Python that warps your sense of humour.) Talking of radio, there is a wicked station www.totalrock.com on line 24/7 playing the very best in rock/heavyrock/metal and general ear shattering, mind altering music, check it out. I was very impressed and on my first listen I heard Alice Cooper, Thunder and Led Zeppelin jumping out the speakers. One of the DJ’s is a kinda krazy kat called Chris, www.chrispaulodale.com who is online every Thursday from 3-6 pm. Well worth a listen. Just found an old photo of me in the early stages of my interest in the garden. After eating most of the orange ones apparently I threw up all over next doors cat. Nice!
And so to February: as tiny spikes of daffodil leaf’s poke from the cold soil, thoughts of romance (without the batman suit I hasten to add) and love begin to fill the air. There are various opinions about the 14th of this month. The most conclusive being that in Ancient Rome around 269 AD, the mighty Emperor Claudius II was having a few problems recruiting soldiers to his army. Despite good pay and the joy of slaughtering thousands of unarmed and innocent people daily it seems the young men of the time preferred to spend their days with their womenfolk, getting married and curling up in front of the fire watching Coliseum street, Pompeiienders and I’m a gladiator-get-me-a-celebrity -to- hack-to-bits. Apparently in the Roman version of Big Brother, where the housemates were put in a damp cave naked, and then large deranged starving lions were introduced as special guests went down a storm. It’s such a shame channel 4 can’t repeat this, as I am quite sure it would be a ratings winner: Subject to: the animal welfare report. Clause 62, paragraph 3 whereas in just one bite of either Jody Marsh or Pete Burns may cause distress to the animals via food poisoning, e-coili bacterial contamination or the pox, mainly due to the human contestants bizarre sexual activities. Moving on…… So old Claudius II was having none of this pleasantness and slapped a A.S.B.O. order on any romance, courting or marriage. Thus completely pissing of all of the “Gagging for it” people of Rome. …Step in one Mr. Saint Valentine, who I’m sure as a red blooded bloke enjoyed the odd romp with several scantily clad concubines, and arranged and blessed “gagging for it” couples to marry in secret. All was going as smoothly as a knife across a beggar’s throat until some blabber mouth grassed Mr V up. And henceforth he was dragged to the dungeons to have his fingernails slowly removed, eyelids sown open and boiling tar poured into his foreskin...... (.Pleasant chaps these Romans…) Whilst still chained upside down and yelling “you sick bastads” he caught the eye of the jailers daughter, a pretty little thing called Jane, and as they dragged him away to be clubbed to death he push a perfumed scented note into her tiny palm. “Be my valentine”…. It said. She often thought of him and his sweet kindness as his battered blueing head was placed on long spike just by her stool in the market. Later in the day Claudius’s son Tinyiusdickius would pick her up in Daddies diamond encrusted chariot and whisk her away. Thus according to history da man Valentine started all this, for what good I don’t know. But if there is a special lady in your life, remember a small gift of appreciation every now and then makes life just that little bit sweeter. And as to my romantic endeavours, I ditched Rosemary (see Decembers rant) last week due to her incessant nagging and have now shacked up with a gorgeous hybrid, who’s long and succulent features have me chomping at the bit… She comes from Russia and is aptly named Yucca Zuckalotofcockoff. Happy Valentines Day…. Cool Mr B. xxx Coming up next month, the real reason behind the Mr Bonx name and persona. In gory detail……. Mr Bonx. |
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• Home Return back to the homepage • Ghost Story Mr Bonx, Author, previews his chilling story - The Dorset Arms • Music Reviews/Links Read some of Mr Bonx’s insights into music and culture • Pix Set of photos about the life and times of Mr Bonx • Contact Get in touch and leave me a message. • About Mr Bonx Find out about Mr Bonx. Rants Archive December 2005 |
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