Mr Bonx - the music, reviews and experience, guitarist, vocals and author of short stories.

C.H.A.V.I.S.M……

Childlike Habitual Ambassadors, Verbally Impaired sorted muvvers.

Oi, did you spill my pint?

(Please note: this is best read adopting a harsh south London accent.)

Yo creatures of the alleys and urine stained doorways, Mr B here: Bling Blingen me way to the special brew shop in me mam’s half-inched Vauxhall Chavalier, wiv the doris in the back, tax payers dosh in me baggies an some wicked spliff that blows ya head off, me bird will be a white widow in no time. That’s if the lump in her belly is mine, she’s ’ad more pricks than a dartboard an got a minge on her like a pair of refere’s shorts.

Wees just been given it large style to the old filth for accusing me kappa slappa of ‘arf inchen a bag of oven chips and a case of whitelightnen dan the pakki shop, ol ramjam flippen his fucken lid cos me bitch ‘ad a belly on her… I said no you muppet, she’s just a porker..we ‘aint nicked nuffen.
Ad a top giggle friday night, smashed some grannies face in for a fiver, kicked the shite out of a tramp coz he stunk a piss and me mates dazza, gazza, his sister and her friend the lezza an gayboy up the shitter all piled up town….yo yo yo the hoodrat crew’s largen it now coz wees all celebs .
Only coz shazza, dezza, Mickey’s pit bull shagga and the lezza’s muff mate’s mingeater an bigeater woz on that Trisha’s show last furzday morning. Only coz dazza was shaggen a lezza who’s muvvers’s lover was ‘aven a bit of the other with her brother who got in a bit of bovver wiv shezza who’s plastic titted mate blubba woz shaggen gazza.

Then the lezzas sister ‘ad a blister on coz her mate mingeater’s visa ran out last winter. Mickey’s pit bull shagga bit gayboys todger coz he woz pissed up on cider then Trisha’s minder smacked dezza coz he woz touching up shazzas mum shezza, who’s step dad wanka just got out of broadmoore for shopliften white lighting and murder coz the lezza’s lovers kid woz black and his sisters preggas again by mickey’s pit bull shagga.

After blubba chucked a wobbla coz they ran out of fodder shezza’s step dad wanka pulled out a shooter an blasted shagga in the Jacobs, then Trisha’s other minder slapped gayboy coz he woz ‘aving one off the wrist thinken about shagga shaggen shezza….and left a load of ‘arry munk in the motor.
After pizza and a bicardi breezer fings calmed down....... so we got wanka out the clinka, told the rossers to sling their A.S.B.O. order, scooped up shagga’s knackers wiv a hoover and scarpered off to Battersea so they can sow ‘em back on no bovver.

My dad on guitar, 1936

Next week he’ll be back shaggen shezza after the lezza’s kid pops out proper, then when shagga’s nutts are better were off dan the boozer to ‘ave a rumble in the jungle wiv Jordan’s geezer peter.
Yes mate, life as a chavvey just gets better an better, brothers an sisters unite, ( pass the skins Mickey boy ) black an white don’t’ fight ( hey wicked grass Rastus ) the house is alight ( shiten ‘ell its’ bleeden yobs from no 46) and everytings gonna be alright….Wicked man just wicked.
Move bumbaclot, I lick ya bottie up good ya Rassclat bitches…

Next Month, Mrbonx contemplates Christmas: the joy, commercialism and utter bollocks of it all.

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