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  'Oi oi… It's Scooby Doo…'
Giant blue and grey clouds of smoke wafted into the air, and as the shimmering moon light pierced the plumes Shaggy started to cough uncontrollably and turn crimson.
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The gang looked on horrified. |
'You really ought to leave that old spliff alone' said Fred as his boner twitched and hovered by the hem of Daphne's short skirt.
‘Well like hey man, its purely medicinal folks’ and coughed again, so loud his eyes began to bulge and short sharp quacking noises omitted from his pants.
Holding her nose because of the stink of rotting cabbage Thelma mused,
'What are we doing in this place; it’s spooky and gives me the willies…’
Fred’s boner twitched again and he thought 'she's not bad for a porker, maybe with a bag on her head and after a few pints?
Scooby was sitting on the floor, and had a magnificent view right up Daphne’s skirt…… his mind began to wander.
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Daph knew hash browns were Scoob's fav. |
They'd been asked to look over an old pub, supposedly very haunted and quite scary, by the rather overweight and distressed landlord called Albert Thickasshite.
‘Its them ghosts’ he muttered in a low tone 'scared off all me customers, there's a headless one an all, wonders the corridors at night, then there's all that wailing and groaning and a woman panting heavily and screaming'
'Whooaa' said shaggy as the full force of the skunk weed kicked in and he reached for the cans of Stella Scooby had got from the wagon. 'I'm like gonna be shitting bricks before the nights out'
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'Me too' said Scooby, even though he was a dog |
The landlord's wife appeared, with her skirt tucked into her knickers and looking rather flustered.
'Come here then my little Scooby dooby dooie, there a good boy.'
'Hey, did like somebody say doobie' slurred shaggy whose eyes were now bright red and resembled piss holes in the snow.
She began to scratch and tantalizingly stroke scoob’s belly with a vigorous circular motion. In return he began to lick her face with his enormous tongue. Thankfully she was unaware he had just spent the last half an hour slurping it around his dick, balls and ring piece with equal relish.
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Coz they can... |
'Ooh I say, your dog smells rather weird, just like my Albert’s socks’. She said close to vomiting.
Scoob grinned evilly.
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It was love at first slurp for Scoob. |
Fred spoke again. 'Right, well have to stay here tonight and check out the spooks, ok gang?
'Ok boss' they replied, except shaggy, who had crawled off and stuck his head in an open fridge door.
'Like its time for a Scooby snack, like now!
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Oh Yes...it's the munchies! |
As midnight approached it wasn't long before the strange noises began, not unlike someone beating a kipper with gardening gloves on: and were not talking about the sound of Fred jerking off imagining a threesome with the girls.
There was a low groan, a loud moan, and then he stopped wanking.
Also, there was a sound of footsteps, and chains rattling in one of the corridors.
The intrepid gang of 5 looked up at a tatty window and suddenly a cranky old face loomed.
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'Zionks, like change of underwear, like now! |
The ghost spoke in trembling voiced tones, 'get out, leave this place, or your doom is sealed’.
Shaggy and Scooby scampered down under an old table, farting like ducks; meanwhile Thelma stood up and chucked a large bottle at the window, smashing the glass and hitting the ghost on the head with a loud bonk.
'Ow, fuck that' said the ghost and disappeared into the night.
The gang all sat around a big table, with the manager and his wife, who still had her skirt tucked into her knickers.
'See, see, I told you, demons from hell I say.'
Fred spoke out. ‘But would a real ghost have said fuck that?
Then Daph added ‘and surely the bottle would have passed right through it, if it were real?
‘Doomed I tell you, were all doomed’ he said again sounding like that crusty old tosser from Dads’ army.
‘There’s something not right here said Fred,
‘Your right Fred’ said Thelma.
‘Right said Fred’ Shaggy howled and began to calm himself by rolling the biggest spliff ever known to mankind.
‘We’ll keep watch tonight, everyone stay calm,' and he looked at shaggy who was giving Scoob a blow back with the unfeasibly large joint packed with top quality Afghanistan weed.
Scooby’s mind floated off into an illicit and pornographic dream state…
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Scoob scores...in his dreams. |
The following morning the gang piled into the wagon to get fresh supplies as in the night shag and scoob had eaten everything in sight, including most of the carpets, curtains, fixtures and fittings. Scoob was particularly pleased when his keen sense of smell lead him to the manager’s wife laundry basket… full to the brim
Later that night they prepared for the spooks next arrival, and set a trap. The local copper was on duty outside and they waited nervously.
The trap was baited with several of Fred’s rather grotty porn mags that littered the wagon’s floor, to which Thelma had collected wearing large rubber gloves so as not to get the ‘arry munk on her hands, which dribbled slowly from the pages.
‘Well he is a male ghost, and we all know most blokes are totally addicted to porn, and complete wankers anyway’ she defiantly declared.
Much to Fred and Daph’s embarrassment several pictures fell onto the floor, featuring Daph and a large banana.
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Now you don't see that on the telly |
Sure enough the groaning began, mainly because the copper outside was having a quick one off the wrist, having viewed Daph’s pictures as evidence, and stuffed loads in his pocket for Ron… later on.
The Jazz mags were set up by the same window, and the gang waited with their breath in short sharp gasps.
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'Wooo' the wailing began |
'Wooooooo' it went again and Thelma couldn’t resist…
‘Oh shut up you stupid tosser' she shrieked and unleashed the big rope net set up on the roof. It fell with deadly accuracy and the ghost was bundled up and fell crashing to the floor below.
‘Ow, fuck that’ it said.
The gang rushed outside, woke the copper up, who’s right arm was strangely bigger than the left and dragged the netted ghost to the main room, where a light was shone at the culprit. A rather cheap and nasty white sheet was pulled off, and there was Councilor 5 Jags …fuming.
Thelma couldn’t resist and swung her size 9 Doc Martin boot, which made full contact with 5 Jag’s bollocks with a sickening squelchy thud, as the steel toe-cap made contact with his pelvic bone.
'Stitch that you pervert, what's your game anyway. Scaring the shit out of people, are you some sort of weirdo?'
5 Jags bluing face and tears of unbelievable agony were quite apparent and they sat him on a chair, which made him scream even louder.
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Nasty... |
The whole gang had now assembled, including the managers wife: with her knickers still tucked into her skirt.
‘Bah, and double Bah’ he said.
‘If you pesky kids hadn’t stopped me, I would have had all these rubbish old buildings torn down years ago, historic my arse. And besides, I need another new villa in Spain. I don’t want to live in this country; it’s full of bloody foreigners.'
Fred stopped Thelma from giving him another good kicking.
'Later' he said, ‘when I get my boots from the wagon’
'Me to' said Scoob, even though he was a dog.
‘What with my connections in this town, we can build thousands of rabbit hutch style flats, stuff 'em full of pensioners, scroungers, Immigrants and druggies: charge millions of pounds in rent and let the poor old tax payer's cough up for it all, ha ha’ he laughed insanely.
'But that is so devious' said Daph, her halo twinkling like the stars.
'Devious, I tell you what’s devious. You and that bastad dog looking child, living on benefits as a single mum after a quick shag in the woods with God knows what.'
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Try explaining that one to ya kids. |
'And you' he pointed to the manager, 'we plan to make our millions and run off together, she told me it’s like being married to a corpse. You stink like one. And all that panting and screaming: that’s me shagging the arse off ya Missis every night.'
Thelma’s boot twitched again.
So did Scoobs, even though he was a dog.
'Right that's' enough' said the copper as he gathered up the jazz mags, we need these as, oooh lesbian spankers, Red-hot bums monthly, my favorites…eerm evidence.' He blushed.
‘Like that’s cool’ said shaggy ‘Fred’s got loads more in the back of the…'
‘Shut it’ said Fred.
5 Jags was dragged away, gently moaning as his knackers had swollen to the size of basket balls and a rather sad looking manager and the gang sat around a table and opened several large boxes of wine.
No-one noticed as Thelma sneaked of with the manager’s wife for a spot of carpet munching in the lavs.
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Try explaining that one to ya kids. |
'Well gang, another case solved…cheers!
The police car rushed into the night, sirens wailing and lights flashing: straight to Gatwick airport and a first class Ticket to Spain.
All their glasses clinked together, except Shags, who was busy rolling another dirty great big spliff while Scoob ordered pizza on his mobile: even though he was a dog.
Next time…our intrepid nosey numskulls rumble yet another greedy and corrupt bastad, in the halls of power… yes: Westminster beckons…
Now thats gonna be fun.
C’ya, Mr B…x
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