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The People we could do without.Yes Folks, a whole page devoted to Assholism.
Through out life's hectic and perilous journey, when one day is full of smiles and fun and the next full of grief and heartache there is a certain group of people worldwide who never fail to deliver their completely negative and suppressive attitude… They are commonly known as 'Assholes.' And we are not talking about the small pouty ring peice that resides between your butt cheeks, although there are many similarities and comparisons.
Tosser, turd breath, idiot, moron and wanker just don’t have the same impact as the perfectly balanced tonal quality when you can justifiably deliver the term, 'What a total Asshole.' Through out time and history there have been many examples of the ‘total asshole’, mostly ego fuelled macho wankers with a lust for power and money. (See Feb 2006 rant about our Roman friends) Politicians spring to mind very often, as do most religious leaders but I’m talking a bit closer to home here.
So there I was queuing up in the Iceland supermarket the other day. We waited patiently as only one till was open and there were 6 of us. The pretty girl behind the counter sighed with relief when another till was opened swiftly and what happened! A complete and utter Asshole pushed right in the front of the queue, oblivious to the grannies that had been waiting for ages. He then wandered off like he had won a major prize for smugness. Then the girl behind the counter made us all laugh out loud. 'What a total Asshole' she said. Several of the grannies and myself started to clap and cheer. It really made my day. I don’t remember her name but nice one girly…
I also make the point of shopping at Iceland because unlike some other supermarkets in town, that seem to be specifically designed for snobs, it's cheap and cheerful. And let’s face it; most snobs I know are, for want of a better word, Tight as Assholes. And isn't it funny when a seemingly normal person is introduced to alcohol, they become an instant Asshole. Especially at football matches.
Ah, the music business. There have been a few true gems that I have met. Assholes of such perfection and skill you can see why in the end they are abandoned by most sane musicians/managers and live out their sad lives blaming everyone else for their destitution and career nose dive. I have been stung 3 times, and it hurt like hell. It’s not nice when someone steals your work, passing it off as their own and grins smugly about it. Total f*****g Assholes.
Then there is Paul Burrell, who’s honest and decent work ethic fills people’s minds with several words… What a slimy Asshole.
Then there's the chubby little Mc Donald's generation, waddling Around town with their fat faces smeared with ketchup, or riding around on mobile hairdryers (that's a moped to us old gits) which groan and creek under the enormous weight of their fat lardy arses. Whilst gibbering such delights of the English language as ‘I fink fucking a fuck this fucking fucks fing innit'. With a mobile phone permanently glued to one ear, an attitude that is alien to most adults and a grave plot already marked out for about 10 years time. The Porky Assholes…
It goes without saying you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family. In researching this rant extensively it seems most families have a black sheep in their midst, or to put it poetically… A spineless Asshole.
And what about the hordes of the so called unemployed and work-shy, living on benefits and handouts. It's understandable in the midlands and north of the UK, where jobs are scarce…but in the south, where the papers are full of 'em, shops and businesses have to close early because they are short staffed, is Bollocks…. Lazy bone-idle Assholes.
And it does seem the term 'Asshole' only applies to us blokes. But, in the words of the great Mr. Frank Zappa:
'You say you can't live with what you've been through Well, Ladies you can be an asshole too You might pretend you ain’t got one on the bottom of you But don’t fool yourself girl, it’s winking at you.' The rest of the song goes on to be rather rude, good ‘ol Zappa. Yes, when she's run out on you leaving the bills, rent, debts and various other types of heavy shit, and immediately shacks up with some tosser last seen waving £ 50.00 notes and jingling Mummies BMW car keys around the pub it feels pretty grotty. (Especially for the 4th time) Then one morning when you wake up, and the pain has gone. And all you feel is a warm tingly glow as it sinks in and you suddenly realize that she was in fact a dense, shallow, two-faced nasty piece of work with the intellectual capacity of a pond full of frog spawn.
Oh, and a complete Asshole. That’s all folks for now. But remember if you are offended, pissed off or had a laugh at this stuff you can always e-mail me with your opinions. bonx@mrbonx.com You never know, I might just publish some of your rantings. Then again I might not, being an Asshole. Coming up soon, after Chavism (see November 2005 rant) Mr. B slips on his Gucci loafers, acquires mummies BMW car keys and daddies' credit cards and pulls two incredibly thick blond bimbos to make a late night internet quality porn movie.
C'ya Bxxx |
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